Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
