You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
