$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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