I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
