Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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