just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
