Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
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I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
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This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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