What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
