I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
