I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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