Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
