seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
