this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
