Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
