My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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