They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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