It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
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I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
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She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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