Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
