pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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