I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
