if you like me you must not know who I am
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
