You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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