Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
