that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
