I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am one with the molecules
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
