I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
