capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
