Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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