I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
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The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
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Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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