Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
