he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
