xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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