Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
