I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
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I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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