Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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