you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
