My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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