You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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