"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
