So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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