glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
