he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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