Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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