I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
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You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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