Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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