if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
