My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
