I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
