You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
