You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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