and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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