I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
