i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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