Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
