you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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