shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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