My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
